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Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
Don`t act like your not impressed.
It would be cool if you heard a thunder bug a few seconds after you saw a lightning bug.
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
I`m not saying your cat doesn`t care about you, I`m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well.
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I`m thinking savings isn`t the only thing you will catch ...
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.