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I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
thinks my life is becoming a very complicated drinking game.
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
The only thing alcohol can`t cure is alcoholism.
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
I was called sexist today. So..i said i think ur mistaken...its pronounced sexy! LOL
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.