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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
Saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons last night. ..Must be going through a tough period in her life.
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I`ve been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn`t cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes...
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.