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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
Texting typos can change your life. "Having a great time wish you were her"
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
...you ever ponder why that page was intentionally left blank?
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
Legos are practice for when you get older & buy Ikea furniture
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?