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I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
Great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone`s computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinkyhead that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
Just used the "f word" over on FB so I`m waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
Aren`t they Middle-Age Mutant Ninja Turtles now?
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."