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Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Mythbusters is basically my childhood with a much larger explosives budget.
Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.