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People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
I would like to wish all of the groundhogs a very safe and happy Groundhogs Day.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
Had a blast doing my Black Friday tradition!!!! I slept!
"Let`s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise" - sports fans
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.