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Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
I totally tricked this woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was put a ring on her finger and live with her for the rest of my life.
The only dates I get are updates.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know If you want to be my one and only all my life. I will not be an ex wife .. only a widow
I`ve always wondered why they don`t have a pregnant Barbie doll? Turns out Ken comes in a different box...
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
Just when you think someone couldn`t be any more annoying I test your theory.