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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
It`s not so much blowing my diet as preventing the fudgesicles from developing freezer burn.
I`m still waiting for that fairly tale scene where the animals clean everything for me.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
Here`s a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don`t be me.
My internet is so slow, it`s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it`s a good morning for a few minutes.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
I bet the YMCA dance is alot harder to do in Chinese.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.