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People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that`s how I feel today.
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
Safe words are for quitters.
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn`t shop.
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!