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The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
Women say they love a man in uniform but when i go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform none of them will talk to me....I`m confused
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I`m an alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I`m fantastic.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
No toilet paper.. goodbye socks
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
The weather is so nice. I think I’ll go outside and watch other people run.
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car