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Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
Note to self: It`s time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to Note: Shut the f*ck up.
I think for Halloween I am going to go as Karma. Some of you should be worried.
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
If these people don’t start giving better advice, I’m no longer going to allow them in my head.
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult. So yeah...kids are stupid.
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
Make librarians cry by calling it a Book Museum while taking pictures with your iPad.
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.