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Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
Some will forget, the others are simply women.
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and yes, it was tragic.
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
Whenever i see a facebook page Celebrate; "We have reached 200K fans". I just ask myself, do they know how many of those 200K died or left facebook or can`t remember their password after they liked the page?
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.