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My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
Its hotter than a three peckered billy goat!
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
My participation in this meeting will be based solely on the snacks they provide.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.
I was thinking about jumping on the Patriot`s Fan bandwagon, but I am afraid that the tires would be deflated...
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?
No one will ever look at you the way I do ... But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window
I pretty much spend all day, every day, just looking forward to going back to sleep.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.