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I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
The problem with taking the road less traveled is the poor phone signal...
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Why do we even ask rhetorical questions?
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
I saw a comedian one time who did nothing but make geography puns. talk abbottabad act.
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.