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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.
I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
I`m a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you`re responsible for this."
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.