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I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
I`m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
Exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah`s Fitness.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?