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I was laying down, looking up at the stars while I was writing this post. Then it dawned on me; `Where the heck is the ceiling?`
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
The Never Ending Story should`ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I`m part of the other 3%.
Why non-smokers don`t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
Anything you say will be used against you, in an argument, 10 months from now, because Iām a woman. And we never forget. Anything. Ever.
We`re all just nudists in disguise...
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.