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We are so fortunate not to live in China, they have to hide their posts in cookies.
I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Well it`s about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
It`s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.