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I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
Some men get naked when they have to count up to 21...
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I haven`t crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don`t care what you think.
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry.
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.