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I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I have enough leftover Halloween candy to get me to leftover Valentine`s Day candy time.
You need a high five, in the face, with a chair.
its not the up`s and down`s that bring you down...its the jerks!!
It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a sh!t.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
The older I get, the more I sympathize with Squidward`s anger.
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
Why do ballerinas always stand in their toes? Why don`t they get taller dancers?
True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."