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I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when they spin it looks a halo.
“FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!” – Mother Nature
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
Things I do everyday: 1.Get up 2.Survive 3.Go back to bed
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
What ? Who ? Exactly my point. Now move along and go read something else. Nosey !!
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.