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I don`t ever know where I`m at till I`m there
I`m getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.
Why didn`t you tell me that I wasn`t going to like you
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
I just broke my record for most days lived.
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when they spin it looks a halo.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.
If we all had to wear a warning label, what would yours say?