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How come the energizer bunny beats a drum instead of doing something like working the cashier register at Wal-Mart?
I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
May the bridges I burn light the way.
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
Whenever I try cleaning my room I either end up making a bigger mess, or just playing with the stuff I thought I lost.
Thanks for accepting my friend request on Facebook, even though is was solely so I could gain full access to your profile and judge your life choices.
Girls are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are to far away
If a lesbian c*ckblocks another lesbian, is that considered a beaver dam?
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable