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Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people, respect it!
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.