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It`s real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
Don`t forget to get offended today by some retarded sh!t that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
Isn`t it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn`t something that is used to clean vacuums?