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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
I like to start my morning off with a good nap.
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
I`m one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
I`m only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since `pro` is the opposite of `con` we should call it prosti..... oh wait.
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.