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I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
I`ll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
Your day sucked, huh? I`m sure Facebook would love to hear about it.
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I want to follow my dream, but i dont want to look like a stalker
Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels? - Bfanch
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.