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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
no one is perfect thats why pencil have eraser
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills,with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band....
I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food´s food!