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Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
I feel like a piece of corn in the digestive tract of life ~ I`m going through a lot of crap but I`m sure I`ll come out whole.
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they say "to boldly go where no one has gone before", when they get there, they always meet someone?
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.
People are so predictable..I bet you`re even reading this status right now.
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.