Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries.
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I`m reaching the point where I really hope it`s not possible to be annoyed to death.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…