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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.