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Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog? Every dog I`ve ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
I`d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.
When there is nothing to do ... That`s what I do