Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
Happy President`s day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
Just joined the support group Hokey Pokey Anonymous ... A place to turn yourself around. ;)
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
So when is this `old enough to know better` suppose to kick in ?
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
Do you know what’d look good on you? Me
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!