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I`m still kinda pissed that they never did tell us how to get to sesame street
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.
I`d walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?