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10 REASONS WHY I`M LAZY... you know what? Never mind. I can do this later.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
Remember kids- Respect your fathers! Besides, before you came out of your moms, you came out of your dad.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
Put your gossiping skills to the test, go write a novel...
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.