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My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
If I`m guilty of anything it`s loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you`re getting ready to take hostages.