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Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.
I don`t fear death... It happens to everyone. I just hope when I am dead and buried, I don`t vote Democrat.