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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
Is going to bed! Hopefully the Cleaning Fairies will come and clean my house tonight! Wishful Dreaming i guess!
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
Society: Be yourself. Society: No not like that
"Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this."--MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark