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If you figure me out I want an explanation.
My eye problems starts on Mondays and ends on Friday evening. I see clearer after the fourth bottle.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.