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My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
There must be an easier way to transport long poles across canyons other than walking across a tightrope carrying one pole at a time.
I can`t believe I was late for work tomorrow..
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don`t know who`s winning
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
There is no such things as ghosts. I know, I asked Santa Claus
I wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There`s ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-