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I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
My tricks aren`t for kids.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
Note to self: Thanks for always being there.
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!