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Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y`all.
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.