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I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
I am Bad and thats Good. I will never be Good and thats not Bad. There`s no one i`d rather be than ME.
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
Sometimes I just bang my head on the keyboard and hope words form.
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.