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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
Every have one of those moments where you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Damn if I weren`t me, I`d totally hit that."
Still have my French Maid costume in case any of you have a dirty house. I`ll be happy to sit there and look sexy while your wife cleans....
I was born to be happy… not normal.
I`m feeling 22.. Pounds overweight.