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Ever had sex while camping!? It`s intents!
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
Everyone is gifted......But not everyone opens their present
I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
"There`s strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
According to Debrah in HR, "Back up off my balls" is not the proper way to tell someone to wait for assistance.
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
I just put Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.