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How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
Is it wrong to use cheat codes for Wii Fit.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.