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I may look like I`m doing nothing, but in my head I`m quite busy.
No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
thinks there are times when your the most beautiful girl in the world, and there are times when I’m sober.
Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I`ll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
If you slept with my husband I`d be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.