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Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
"..::. :.:.. ::...: .:. :.:: ::.: ..::. :: ::.:..." - Stevie Wonder-
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
I would of never even thought of touching half the things that I`ve touched, if it weren`t for the "Do not touch" signs!
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
Take me seriously at your own risk.
Iām glad you spent $80 on makeup to look like a $5 whore. Well done
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.