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Just so you know, the movie "Life of Pi" has nothing to do with dessert.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom tee shirts will NOT fool your teenager.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
I woke up with a headache this morning but she went to work.
Why haven’t we just found someone ballsy enough to dress up as Mrs Bigfoot and catch him already?
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole....