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School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
The only thing worse than dramatic girls facebook statuses…dramatic guys Facebook statuses.
“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
Admit it, we all have that special someone we`d visit if given a tank to drive for a day
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.
Anything is legal when there`s no police around
Some people should come with subtitles.
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!