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At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
I love finding money in my clothes. It`s like a gift to me... from me. :)
I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
Is going to bed! Hopefully the Cleaning Fairies will come and clean my house tonight! Wishful Dreaming i guess!
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
Before I die I`m going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
Say no to drugs! Then again, if you`re talking to drugs, you`re probably already on drugs.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.