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Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
I`m perfect you adjust.
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.