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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
We`re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
If the shoe fits, buy it.