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Me putting up with you is your Christmas present.
Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Every time I see a safety warning on a product I can`t help think to myself how natural selection has failed us once again...
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
October is breast awareness month for women, men are usually aware of breasts all year round.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn`t eat.
I always drink responsibility I make sure that someone is responsible for buying me drinks.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I`m proud of him, I doubt he`ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.