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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
I’m at Code 5 today. I don’t know. It’s something this lady in the coffee shop said and I liked it. So now I’m using it, too.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
there is no strong beer, only weak men
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar..... No strings attached