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That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
Here`s a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don`t be me.
If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
My life may be a mess but at least I didn`t make a harlem shake video.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Life is hard, it`s even harder when your stupid.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
That awkward moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the hot water ran out.