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“I don’t watch tv” proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
Million Dollar Idea: A restaurant that offers Coke and Pepsi....
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell