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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
thinking men should come with a carfax....
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
That awkward moment when the majority of people think your status is stupid.
No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.
Give a man a fish & he`ll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That`s weird" Teach a man to fish & he`ll be all "Again with the fish?"
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.