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Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
Change is hard. Seriously, have you ever bit a nickel?
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
When I said I like it rough I was talking about the sex, not the whole entire relationship...
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.