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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
Helpful Tip : The police never think it`s as funny as you do.
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
Love is... saving money to buy her shoes!
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
They say you are what you eat. I don`t remember eating a sexy beast this morning...
What am I doing with the rest of my life? I don`t even know what I`m doing with the rest of this post...
Some people say I`m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you`re fired"