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Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
Fun Fact: A pizza will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
I`m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I`m also wearing a cape.
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
"I understand your logic, but let`s try to look at this more emotionally." - women
Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Answer-Big Boobs
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...