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Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
If something on this page offends you, please bring it to our attention so we can all laugh at you.
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
A good way to break up with a girl gently, is to curtsy when you`re meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
While it was raining today, I thought for fun I would run out there and scream "I`m melting I`m melting!"