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My boss just asked me why I wasn`t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn`t see him coming
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
Well, it`s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs.
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
Don`t half a$$ it. It`s not a real nap unless you take your pants off.
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
You seem to have a good grip on reality. You`re new here, aren`t you?
People were shocked when they found I wasn`t a good electrician. :-)
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.