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I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
Not to cause a panic but i`m starting to think we`re running out of things to stuff inside pizza crust.
Oh look, it`s raining outside. I think I`ll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don`t have a window of their own.
I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
If rolling your eyes burned calories, Facebook would be my gym.
I`ve decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I`m back
I woke up feeling strange this morning...I felt Rested and Relaxed so I immediately Googled my symptoms. Turns out I had a `Sleep in` Apparently it`s not harmful but may be addictive. . .
When ever I think about the past...It brings back so many memories
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”
If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo`s show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it`s Halloween because our family reunion was in July....