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never be afraid to wipe twice
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
I think I just discovered Newton’s third law of Emotion: ..... "For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction."
If pi is 3.14, then I think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.