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For once I’d like to get kicked into a bar
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
People: What a bunch of bastards!
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I hear voices ... and they don`t like you.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good.
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
Ladies, when it comes to doggy style.....I`m behind you 100%
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today`s kids who don`t remember when we had jungles. Or books...
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.