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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
Please, please don`t be a bitch to me. Because then I`ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better than you.
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
Just because I don’t like you doesn’t mean I don’t want you to like me.- Most Girls
Deaf people don`t have safe words, they use stop signs.
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.