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Wine: How classy people get trashed.
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
I solve my problems by blatantly ignoring them and going on the internet.
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
I’m quite confident that the reason I’m single is because I didn’t forward that chain letter in 2003.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
I wan`t you to know that someone cares. not me, but someone.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words