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If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
for some reason my plans to workout never work out
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
Sometimes people try to expose what`s wrong with you, because they can`t handle what`s right about you.
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you