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I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
You can`t make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
You can`t be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn`t work that way...your already hard to want
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
If Kutcher went to Sheen and said It`s still your show, this was all a joke and yelled "You got Punked" it would be the greatest prank ever.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.