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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone