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If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn`t sell air.
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
If there`s one thing I`ve learnt in life it`s to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
Whoever said "What goes around, comes around", never passed around a bag of Doritos......................
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.