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If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
i don`t care if u don`t like me ........... i am not a facebook status:D
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I hear you`ve been very naughty ... Go to my room!
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.