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Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook won’t fix it.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
I`m starting group meetings at my house for people who have OCD, not because I have it, but surely one of them will be bothered enough to clean it.
So what the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Their house paint is peeling.
There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
Relationship status: Just got screamed at for peeling the carrots wrong.
I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.
I`m at that "licking peanutbutter off a spoon" time to go grocery shopping point....
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.