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I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
I`m not sure what my spirit animal is, but I`m sure it has Rabies.
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
My inner self is in Photoshop
Party like you will never be invited to another!
Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I`m making you up.
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
i havnt seen any status`s about ninjas lately.... well played ninjas