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With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
I`ve grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine.
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
The last time I touched a breast, it was in a KFC bucket.
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.