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So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it`s time to eat again.
Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
Exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah`s Fitness.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
I say the things better left unsaid.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.