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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
I`ve been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We`ll all be dead soon anyway.
You think you are too small to make a difference? then you have never spent a single night with a mosquito.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
Hearing jokes is always 100 times funnier when you have water in your mouth.
If life was easy, we wouldn`t need alcohol.
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
My favorite thing about working out is the part where I decide not to.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
Rob Stalker for congressman........Stalker....a name you can trust.
Take time to reflect upon your day. Think of all the blessings you received, and everything you may be called to testify about :)))