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Let me get this straight…a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, ripping all the hair out…and still be afraid of a spider?
If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
It`s tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. Except for bodily functions...Hopefully you can control THEM. :/
No great story started with someone drinking water.
Is it just me, or that sea witch Ursula from the Little Mermaid inspired from a full blown flamboyant drag queen?
Giving people the finger while driving just isn`t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
Internet went down so I had to spend time with my family. They seem like good people.
Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly.
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?