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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
So I´ve narrowed it down and I´m either gonna start a motorcycle gang or take a nap.
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined by telling the truth.
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
It`s bigger on the inside..said no woman, ever!
It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a sh!t.
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.
I’m glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.