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Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
am a bomb technician...anytime you see me running. Try keep it up
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
Didn`t have to do much to end my last relationship...she first told me that "opposites attract"...then a couple of days later she told me i was handsome, kind, smart, funny and loving...
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!
I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?