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"They Dared Me To" should be a legitimate excuse in a Court of Law.
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
I Googled, “Who gives a sh!t?” and I was not in the search results.
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
he who laughs last thinks slow
I`m working harder than an ugly stripper!!
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!