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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
My Memory.....The Second shortest thing I have.
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
I`m optimistic that within my lifetime it will become acceptable to wear your underwear to the supermarket.
If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I was suppose to do.
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
Burglars must love "My Family Stickers". They can wait in front of someone`s house, count the people that leave, and know if they have a dog or not...