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Well, one week smoke free, only 4 dead, 27 injured… not bad…
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
I hope Karma smacks some people before I do.
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they don`t laugh either.
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers