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Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
I’m an only child, and I’m still not the favorite.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. ...I sure hope they let me back in Walmart.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women hahaha
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???
I`ve discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I`m probably going to die alone.
Home: The place where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.