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If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
If anyone asks, I`m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
You guys ever trip out on the fact that Indian people eat Indian food for breakfast?
I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
Its national shave your... Well, tomorrow is valentine`s day. Just an FYI.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn`t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It`s causing quite a stir...
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.