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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
I`m going to make a bucket list: Things I`m going to do before I kick the bucket. Number 1: WEAR SHOES!!!
liquor stores should sell Shamwows.. I bet they would conquer any challenge alcohol can conjure up. spills.. puke.. all kinds of messes.
I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
Had a nice, relaxing weekend. I now have ample energy to hate Monday and most of Tuesday.
Am I the only one that always puts my wallet back into my pocket before getting my change back?
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
Ebay is really getting worse and worse to use. Yesterday I searched for a cigarette lighter. I got 3,974, 601 matches...
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
I hate people who take drugs......like the police.
I find myself highly addicted to books as of late. Once I start coloring the first few pages I can`t stop....
I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.
NO, I didn’t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.