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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
I need a Shazam app for people I`m supposed to recognize but can`t remember
Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
We can`t all be princesses, somebody has to clap as I go by. :P
Men are great listeners when you have big boobs ;)
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
I`m feeling 22.. Pounds overweight.
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.