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I`m boycotting Kix cereal because of all that kid testing.
Reality is for those who can`t handle alcohol
All this time I thought PTA stood for Parents to Avoid
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
A boob job sounds like the best job in the world.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you`re donating blood...
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.