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"This is bullsh!t" - bull farmer giving barn tours
"How many people work at your company?" About half of them.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
My bed is way more comfortable in the mornings than during the night.
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution Bitches Be Trippin
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
Now that I think about it... Facebook became popular ever since I made an account.
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily Iām just unpopular.