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Some days are just not meant to be productive.
Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
My favorite part of the movie The Notebook is where I turned it off and watched Terminator 2 instead.
Not quite feeling myself today. I`m going to see if booze helps...
If “dress for the job you want” were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.