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I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
Money can buy imitation happiness. I’m cool with that.
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
I`m at my most likable before you get to know me.
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
Sometimes I zone out and forget what I’m supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
You say hangover. I say out of booze.
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.