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I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
Well it`s about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
So apparently RSVP`ing back to a wedding invite `maybe next time` isn`t the correct response
If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca`s third dog.
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.