Daily Silly Status

If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??

in 2014 there were times when I annoyed you, disturbed you, irritated you and bugged the hell out of you. Today i wanna let you know that i planned to continue with it this year :-)

I`m not a Dr. or a Nutritionist, but I`m pretty sure the worst thing you can put into any high fat/ high calorie dish is your fork.

That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..

I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

So I was looking at my boyfriends facebook page and saw a ton of girls saying they love him. He`s obviously cheating on me. We are so over Zac Efron.

I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.

I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband

From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.

Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!

They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken

Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect

I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.

A police officer just knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing kids down the road on bikes.. Umm.. My dogs don`t even own bikes?

I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.