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DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
If we aren`t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
I`m the crazy bitch you`ll never forget.
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
When one door closes, another opens ... I had a Chevette that was like that.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
Friday Night Inspirational Message: You miss 100% of the shots you don`t drink.
Next time you`re down in the dumps...pick me up a spare tire!
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.