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I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast is because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow A$$
It’s hard to get a lot done when you’re busy having a snack every 15 minutes
I don`t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Does "who cares" count as advice?
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.