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No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it`s because you`re a whore.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
everyone is BEAUTIFUL in there own way--your just to UGLY to see that
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
Picking your nose doesn`t make you a bad person. .... but what you do with the booger will define you.
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?