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This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.
There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it`s their turn.
The guy who invented wet t-shirt contests probably has no idea that shirts can just be taken off.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
I’m tired of chasing my dreams, I`m just going to ask them where their going and meet them there later.
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
Last person to like this wins a prize.
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.
I’m a fan of saying YOU’RE WELCOME really loudly when people don’t thank you.