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I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
Don`t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you`re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner.
he who laughs last thinks slow
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?