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When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
All i ever see on facebook is LBR, TBH, LMS, and all that other crap...
I wish I could understand what women with big boobs are saying.
The future was so much cooler in the past.
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.
I thought I cracked this "adulthood" till I realised my shirt was on inside out !!!!!