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"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
Just saw the trailer for "Noah." I hear The Book is better.
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
Sometimes I get in this weird mood where I find everyone annoying. But it only happens when Iām awake.
Does the 5 second rule apply to soup? Please answer quickly!
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
I say the things better left unsaid.
Wow, it`s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn`t a glare on my screen.