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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
"Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
Wake up, kids! Bees can`t even read, much less spell. IT`S A SCAM!
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
Seen it all, done it all, can´t remember most of it.
My thoughts should be ashamed of themselves.
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can`t afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.