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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?
Apparently when my math teacher asked `what comes after 69` "I DO" was not the correct answer.
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport
I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
Applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...