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I`m running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
I haven`t crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don`t care what you think.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.