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My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Thanks to everyone for the Birthday wishes! To anyone who missed it.”No cake for you!!"
If it`s true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
I`d try Taco Bell`s breakfast but I don`t start drinking that early.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
I`m not "rich" ... But, actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you`re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
I don`t hate you, it`s just, if you were on fire. I would roast marshmallows.
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
All I know about sex is from Internet Porn, I`ve tried everything except `Buffering`.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.