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Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
Yes I have a dirty mind ... And you`re on it!
Political debates are great if you want to watch idiots talk to us like idiots to prove that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.
I love finding money in my clothes. It`s like a gift to me... from me. :)
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
when is humpty dumpty going to hatch?
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
Things ain`t nobody got time for: That
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words