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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
The more you know. Daylight Savings started back in 1964 when Jerry Daylight Savings was an hour late for work & convinced his boss all the clocks were wrong.
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"