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I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
I wish some people`s cardio exercise consisted of running into traffic.
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
Turns out I`m ambidextrous at yet another sport! And I even scored a bingo twice. Left-handed!
Save time. See it my way.
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
This status could be yours for 3 easy payment of $8.99, get in quick because this offer won`t last for long, infact there are only 5 left.
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.