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I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
Girls don`t dress for boys, they dress for themselves... If girls dressed for boys, they`d just walk around naked all the time.
Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
Anyone knows when is Facebook sending us the W-2 forms
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.