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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
169 is still a sex position, but with a creepy guy watching.
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
I tend to say “I dont know” when I’m too lazy to think.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
Walmart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Walmart is going to invade Costco.
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.