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I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
I`m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
Admit it, you`ve answered Dora at least once in your life.
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.