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I don`t ever know where I`m at till I`m there
I wish my mind had a delete button.
I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
My face is a 4, my personality is a 6, so basically, I`m a 10.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
The trick is not let anyone know how really weird you are until it’s too late to back out.
I have no time or patience for games in my relationships. Unless by “games” you’re referring to naked Twister. I can make time for that.