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you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Who named them veterinarians and not "dogtors"?
Every have one of those moments where you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Damn if I weren`t me, I`d totally hit that."
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.