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It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.
Please do not read this.
Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers.
I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
Not to brag, but I don’t need to smoke pot to get the munchies.
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
my mom and I have so much in common..she doesn`t listen and niether do I :p
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
I am a very very very bad influence ... In a good way.
On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.