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Huge spoiler here ... Did you know Dave is actually NOT the real father of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free.
How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.